Son of the Mask I Love You Baby

Son of the Mask

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Son of the Mask title.jpg

Released

March 05, 2013

Running fourth dimension

32:27

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Does Romeo and Juliet Suck?

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Link

http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-son-of-the-mask/

Commentary

http://channelawesome.com/nc-commentary-son-of-the-mask/

Real Thoughts

http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-real-thoughts-on-son-of-the-mask/

(We start off in H-Eastward-Double Hockey Stick/the Burning Hells as the screams of the damned fill the air. Inside a ruddy room is Satan (Malcolm Ray) looking at his phone earlier nodding to his assistant, who turns on the webcam to speak to his legions)

Assistant: Minions of Hell, I give to you the i and just primary. The Lord of Darkness, Satan.

(A thunder clap is heard equally Satan goes to have his seat)

Satan: My trembling subjects, for a while y'all've known that I kept the reveal of my daughter a secret. Well, no more. Information technology's time for yous to witness the true terror of the Antichrist. The horror of my offspring. The undeniable evil that volition destroy what's left of your souls. (Another thunder clap) Behold, pitiful maggots, the fearsome face up of darkness: Evilina.

(Coming in is Evilina (played past Rachel Tietz) wearing a tiara and a blue shirt with white polka dots)

Evilina: (singing) ♪ My Little Pony! (Brings out a crayon cartoon of Applejack and Rarity) I used to wonder what friendship could exist! My Trivial Pony! Until you all shared its magic with me! ♪

(This leaves the minions confused)

Assistant: Technical difficulties.

Evilina: Can I put information technology on the refrigerator? Please, please, please?

Satan: Be back in a few.

Evilina: ♪ My Fiddling Pony! ♪

(The camera goes off. Satan approaches his girl)

Satan: My princess of pestilence, what'south wrong with y'all? This isn't the little hellspawn I raised!

Evilina: Fluttershy loves yous! (Drapes a pinkish feather boa over her daddy's shoulders)

Satan: What is this fecal affair you lot call Fluttershy? And what's all this talk about friendship and love and kindness?

Evilina: Friendship is magic, daddy!

(The camera zooms in on Satan'due south scared confront before turning and pointing)

Satan: Get me my married woman on the phone!

(On Earth, we run into someone trying to cut an apple tree with a pizza slicer. The woman'south (too played by Rachel) telephone rings and she picks it up)

Woman: How-do-you-do, Kim Kardashian.

Satan: What in the Hell have yous washed to our daughter?!

Kim: Look, all I know is that all that Idiot box yous've been showing her has resulted in her spinning her head and puking Ecto Cooler.

Satan: That'due south what she's supposed to do! She'due south the seed of evil!

Kim: So I decided to prove her some more age appropriate programming. Like My Little Pony.

Satan: Ohh!

Kim: Care Bears.

Satan: Ohhhh!

Kim: Dora the Explorer.

Satan: Ohhh!

Kim: Bratz.

Satan: Okay, that's non also bad.

Kim: And Thomas the Tank Engine.

Satan: (disgusted) Y'all WHORE OF NO VIRTUE! 1 more outbreak similar this and I'll take away your artificial hubby.

Kim: Actually, that's fine. I think the ane you gave me is broken. (Looks at her phone with a picture of Kanye Westward on information technology)

Satan: Oh, no affair. It'll take something much more strong to get our little girl dorsum to normal.

Kim: Similar what?

Satan: Oh, I created something long ago. A children's moving picture and then frightening and and then disturbed that no kid could scout information technology without existence scarred for life. Bring me...Son of the Mask.

Kim: I got rid of it.

Satan: (shocked) What?!

Kim: I thought it'd be too scary for her, so I threw it into the human earth.

Satan: CERBERUS' Nine Assurance! YOU THREW It INTO THE HUMAN WORLD?! Mankind is not fix for something so depraved. God aid the poor soul who comes across that nightmare sadism.

Kim: Don't worry. I put it somewhere where nobody would look. (Gives a sinister smiling)

(And, of course, finding the DVD is...the Nostalgia Critic, who pulls information technology out of a garbage can)

NC: Well, if it'southward in a public garbage tin can, it must exist worth reviewing.

(And at present we come to our opening!)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so y'all don't have to. Nosotros all remember the mid-90s one-act, The Mask.

(Clips from The Mask play)

NC (vo): I of the first films to work in the growing popularity of calculator effects with a more cartoony nature every bit opposed to threatening. It was a decent flick, with the Mask character for the kids and Jim Carrey'south directly man routine for the adults. And on summit of that, information technology made a lot of money. And so much so that a sequel had been in the works for eons. It was mentioned in interviews...

(Footage from a Jim Carrey interview past Barbara Walters is shown)

Barbara Walters: 10 meg dollars...

Jim Carrey: For doing The Mask Two.

NC (vo): ...online forums, in that location was even a Nintendo Power competition for it. Aye, didn't that plow out to be a great prize! Wait years later for a competition you forgot y'all entered to get dragged to a set that has no Jim Carrey, no Cameron Diaz. Even the dog I retrieve was freaking dead by this point!

NC: But, hey, at least we accept Randy from Scream! (vanquish) Here's your refund. [holds up a couple $twenty bills in his correct manus]

(The title of Son of the Mask is shown, before the movie'southward clips play out)

NC (vo): Where The Mask had a leaning towards kids and adults, Son of the Mask is nigh definitely a kids film. Even the advertisements show pretty much nothing but the dog and baby scenes. Only it'southward not only a half-assed sequel without one-half the asses of the original cast, information technology's a downright foreign, freaky little drive into someone's poisoned outlook as to what family entertainment is. It'due south a miserable experience that I'1000 sure you'll desire to meet me go through.

NC: Well, if I'm going... (leans shut into the camera) I'M TAKING Yous WITH ME! Run Son of the Mask!

(Sounds of a motion picture projector showtime to roll as the movie begins. It starts at a museum, where Dr. Arthur Neuman is giving a tour of the hall of Norse mythology)

NC (vo): And so we start in Edge City, where the first film left off. Nosotros enter a museum that literally has the only bandage member from the last motion-picture show, Ben Stein. And seriously, was it even worth getting him? It's similar making Ghostbusters 3 and the only cast member you bring in is the lamp from scene 22. (A shot from Ghostbusters, showing Egon speaking with a possessed Louis, is shown with an arrow pointing at the lamp in the room) Though, to exist off-white, the lamp would give a much more stunning functioning than Stein.

Tourist: Who'due south that ugly guy?

Dr. Arthur Neuman (Ben Stein): That's Loki, Norse god of mischief. And Loki'southward ultimate tool of mischief was this. (shows the mask in the display case) The Mask.

(When Neuman brings up Loki's penalization and imprisonment at Odin'southward hands, a stranger all of a sudden becomes furious and transforms, revealing himself to be Loki)

NC (vo): So but as he's talking almost Loki, what a coinkydink! Loki himself appears, played by Alan Cumming...

NC: ...who'southward almost as giddy-looking as The Avengers Loki, but not quite.

Loki (Alan Cumming): (holding the mask, which is a replica) This is a faux!

Neuman: Yes, but it's a good simulated. (Loki throws the mask at him and he reacts in deadpan) Ow.

NC (vo): And y'all're about to come across the #i trouble with this film.

(Loki then makes Neuman'south face popular off his head)

Neuman: Wh...what are you doing?

NC (vo): This is one of many "shit-your-pants" disturbing images. Granted, anything dismembering Ben Stein is usually a plus, but I'd rather be able to watch it equally opposed to run out of the theater in my urine-soaked khakis.

(Meanwhile, the real mask makes its way to Fringe City and is institute in a river by a canis familiaris named Otis, who belongs to Tim Avery, an aspiring animator at an animation studio, who is reluctant to accept parenthood with his married woman, Tonya)

NC (vo): So the real Mask is in the river just exterior of Fringe City...which is so similar to Border City, you lot'll exist asking yourself, "Why the fuck didn't they just keep it in Edge City?"...and is picked up by the not-dog from the first picture, nevertheless looks so identical to him so that the kids can see the trailer and say, "Oh, wait! Even the Jack Russell Terrier wanted more than money than they were willing to shell out!" But thankfully, they plant other performers who were willing to take less. Like Jamie Kennedy, who I swear has set his acting to "permanent nasally whine."

Tim Avery (Jamie Kennedy): [diverse scenes] I know you lot're upset, okay?/Slow down, you know I tin't run and apologize at the same time./Can I inquire you one question?/Look at all this stuff./I tin can't get every bit this.

NC (vo): Fifty-fifty when he's talking normal, it sounds similar he's whining.

Tim: [various scenes] Honey, come hither./Because?/They say, "what does your daddy do?"/Who'south a fish?

NC (vo): On height of that, he falls into that common category of badly-written characters of the overreacting human-child who never listens, never cares, and withal somehow gets an over-understanding, bland, underwritten hot chick. Why, just look at what goes through his mind when somebody says "baby."

(Cut to Tim's imagination, showing his married woman giving birth at a hospital. A nurse is holding a baby)

Nurse 1: It's a boy.

Nurse 2: (holding another baby) And a daughter!

Tim: Twins?

(All of a sudden, more newborn babies keep popping out. Every bit they're presented to Tim, they grow vampire fangs)

NC: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop right there! There's the poster for your movie! That'll go the kids coming in.

(A freeze-frame of the vampire babies is shown with the words "Son of the Mask: A Family unit Motion picture")

Announcer: Come up see Son of the Mask! A Family picture!

[Cut back to reality, where Tim talks with his wife after arriving back dwelling]

Tim: I'm not saying I don't wanna accept a baby. I'm just saying I don't want a baby right now.

(Tim is then shown playing with Otis, who has his own bedchamber)

NC (vo): So while Jamie doesn't desire to spend all that time and attention on a kid, like he Clearly fucking does for his dog...seriously, even Gromit doesn't accept as much dog related shit in his room!...we get our first look at-- (Suddenly, the scene transitions through Otis' eyes) WHAT THE HELL?!

Odin (Bob Hoskins): LO-O-O-O-O-O-KI-I-I-I-I-I!!

NC: Aah!

NC (vo): Rip Yosemite Sam Winkle! Actually, that'southward Bob Hoskins as Odin. Probably thankful for his retirement whenever he pops this film in.

(On a tropical isle, Loki is relaxing until Odin confronts and orders him to resume the search for the mask)

Odin: That Mask has acquired enough mischief and malfeasance among the mortals. This is your mess, and yous will clean it upwardly!

*Note: The post-obit joke is exclusive to the Blip website.*

(The scene is dubbed with audio from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

God: Arthur, Male monarch of the Britons. Your Knights of the Circular Table shall have a task to make them an example in these nighttime times.

Arthur: Proficient thought, O Lord.

God: Course it'south a good idea!

(1 dark, Tim goes to a Halloween party held at the studio he works at, where he puts on the mask)

NC (vo): And so Jamie works at an animation studio, which happens to be hosting a Halloween party. Seeing how his costume got ruined, he grabs the Mask his dog found and I'll give you lot one sanity tormenting guess what happens.

(A leg stretches out from the door before Tim as the Mask comes in, his confront all green and his orange hairdo looking more than like wood than hair)

NC (vo): Oh, my God! It's like they fabricated DNA syrup out of the Jolly Greenish Giant and Conan O'Brien!

[To lighten up the political party, Tim as the Mask goes onstage and starts to perform a dance number]

Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ This is the part where you boogie. This is the part where yous trip the light fantastic! ♪

NC (vo): Then he tortuously lightens up the political party.

Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ At long final love has arrived, I thank God I'grand alive, y'all're too good to be true. Can't take my eyes...Tin can't take my optics off of you. Yo! ♪

NC: So, information technology'd be ane thing if he stuck his STD ridden dick...

NC (vo): ...in simply one musical style, merely this asshole decides to ruin not ii, non three, not 4, just five dissimilar musical styles! And each one is worse than the last.

Tim/Mask: (singing in country style) ♪ I love yous, baby. ♪ (switches to pop/rap) ♪ You're simply too good to be truthful, can't take my optics off you. ♪

NC (vo): Okay, can yous only tell everybody to take five steps dorsum abroad from the wide angle lens?!

NC: 'Crusade you can't really enjoy the choreography... (moves close to the camera) ...WHEN YOUR FACE IS THIS Shut TO THE CAMERA!!

Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ Besides... good... to... ♪

NC: [still close to the photographic camera and mocking Tim/Mask] Oh, yeah! Can't you see all the dancers behind me?! Aren't they great?!

Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ At long last love has arrived, I thank the Lord I'm alive-- ♪

NC (vo): God, it looks like an alien horse trying to French (kiss) me! At least the starting time Mask knew Jim Carrey'south face was scary enough from a distance. It didn't need to face-hump the camera every risk information technology got!

[The song reaches its climax, with various partygoers dancing alongside Tim as the Mask]

Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ I love you baby, and if information technology's quite alright... ♪

NC (vo): My God! Information technology's withal going! I swear, this thing goes on for what feels like a fucking eternity! And it simply keeps getting worse and worse!

(As the song continues playing, NC picks up the phone wanting to punch someone, but hangs up. He tries to refrain himself, but can't take it anymore and answers the phone. And that person is...)

Vanilla Ice: Hello, this is Vanilla Water ice.

NC: SAVE THIS Moving picture!

Tim/Mask: This is the part where y'all boogie! This is the part where you lot dance!

(The song finally ends, with the overall performance turning the Halloween party into a success. Tim returns to his business firm that dark and, while still wearing the mask, makes out with Tonya)

NC (vo): So Mutant Ninja Archie goes habitation, gets in bed with his wife, and makes...

NC: As "Cuban Pete" would put it...

Jim Carrey's Mask: Chick, chicky nail, chick, chicky nail!

(The next day, at the studio, Tim meets with his boss, Daniel Moss, who promotes him)

NC (vo): And it turns out the next day, the boss of the studio, played by Steven Wright--Yeah, I can't look to see the excitement he brings to the function--says he wants to brand a cartoon series based on his character.

Daniel Moss (Steven Wright): This has potential. I mean, not to be crass about information technology, only this guy...this could exist a franchise character.

NC (vo; as Moss): Granted, we don't make a shitty sequel after the showtime one.

Moss: I think we could do something with this. This has that spark I was looking for.

NC: Yeah, I'chiliad talking about a drawing serial that has Rob Paulsen every bit well-nigh of the characters and volition focus on slapstick humor that should exist funny merely volition mostly come off as just awkward. (A picture of the Mask: Blithe Series DVD cover is shown on the upper left) A short-lived drawing series.

NC (vo): But his wife has some big news, too.

Tonya: I think I might exist...

[The movie jump-cuts to a doc giving Tim and Tonya the news]

Doctor: Pregnant.

Tonya: Yeah!

NC (vo): And if you think Bella'south pregnancy was freaky, accept a await at this shit.

(Tim is looking at the ultrasound showing his infant in his married woman's belly. Of a sudden, the infant starts dancing to the vocal "Le Freak", besides equally shaking maracas to the vocal, "Cuban Pete")

Infant: ♪ When I play the maracas I go: Chick, chicky boom, chick, chicky boom! ♪

(Soon as Tonya turns, the babe goes back to fetal position)

NC (vo): And one-half her insides would exist pulverisation, but let'due south non ruin this potentially unfunny joke.

[The film cuts to Tim and Tonya's baby being born]

Nurse: It's a boy!

NC (vo): But the big day comes and Jamie says "Hi!" to his happy little accident.

Tim: I'm your dad!

[And the baby starts crying. Nosotros so zoom into the baby's mouth, transitioning to show Odin once again, freaking out NC]

Odin: LOKI!

NC: Does Odin just live in remarkably awkward segues?

(Nosotros're then treated to a segue from Austin Powers which segues to Odin, scaring NC once more)

Odin: LOKI!!

(At a mask store, Loki is interrogating a store owner for the mask's whereabouts, until Odin possesses the owner)

NC (vo): And then Odin possesses the torso of some other person and tells Loki that a child has been born from the Mask.

Odin: Find the baby, and you volition find the Mask.

Loki: Right.

(Tonya is shown playing with Alvey in his new chamber, which turns out to be Otis'southward former room)

NC (vo): And in the charming world of evidence-no-passage-of-time land, the infant has now grown older, and has even picked up a few tricks from...I don't know, the Mask'south wooden DNA?

NC: I mean, if this is like I get a adult female pregnant while wearing a chapeau, they're gonna have special hat powers?

(Baby Alvey watches his mother blow a balloon in front of him. He blows on his pollex and his head inflates like a airship. A grin NC'south eyes widen as he gain to scream. Several times, we cut back to Alvey continuing to inflate his head, then dorsum to NC who is leaning back in his chair, still screaming. Alvey stops inflating afterward Tonya releases the balloon. NC stops screaming and clears his pharynx, just then starts screaming again. His scream is heard all the way down in Hell, where Satan is grinning)

Satan: That'due south my music! My movie's been found!

(He teleports to his firm where Evilina's on a Skype call)

Evilina: Fluttershy's the cutest!

(And her chat partner is CR)

CR: Oh, how original. No, information technology's clearly Rainbow Nuance.

Satan: Get out of there. Where do you observe these people?

CR: Is that your dad? Tell him I blame him for that shitty abomination of a third flavor!

Evilina: Dad, CR blames you for the entire 3rd... (Satan cuts the connection, then pushes the chair she's in) Where are nosotros going?

Satan: Come on, I'm gonna show you an evil worse than Hasbro.

Evilina: Oooh!

(And we go to commercial break. Every bit soon every bit we go back, NC is still screaming his lungs out before he finally stops and inhales)

NC: Let'due south endeavor this once more.

(The airship scene comes on. NC quickly pushes the fast forrad button and goes to the next scene, showing Loki visiting the hospital where Alvey was born)

NC (vo): We cutting to a scene where Loki is trying to observe the infant, disguised as a--

(Loki is in the course of a green bee every bit scary music is added. NC screams again)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAA-- (slaps himself) Okay, okay, we're getting through this!

NC (vo): A creepy...goddamn, scary-looking batter of Hell! I hateful, guys, seriously. This is an highly-seasoned prototype for kids? It'south like the Statue of Liberty sneezed out the Honey Nut Cheerios bee!

(Loki stings a nurse to cause her to go out, before taking over the nurse's computer to detect where the baby is. Cut to Tim being woken up in the night by Alvey crying)

NC (vo): So while Jamie reads a volume clearly the screenwriters didn't read ("Express Yourself Creatively"), we discover it's not and then easy when babies take care of babies.

(While in a sleepy shock, Tim grabs a lighthouse lamp instead of the canteen and breaks it over his arm. Equally he brings it close to Alvey, the baby's eyes bulge out in warning, waking Tim up to see he has a cleaved lamp while Alvey quivers nether the blanket)

NC (vo): Aw, isn't that cute? He virtually fed him broken drinking glass. A common everyday mistake of your everyday likeable hero. Or even better, when the wife has to go out of town for a calendar week for her job, the unbelievably likeable manner he takes responsibility for his child.

(Tonya is shown leaving for her business trip every bit Tim and Alvey spotter her go)

Tim: Honey, take him.

Tonya: Bye! I honey you!

Tim: Honey, take him. Beloved, take him.

NC (vo; equally Tim): I'thou too busy beingness Zach Braff'southward unfunny clone. [Speaks normally] But to exist fair, information technology'southward not always easy looking after a demonic version of the E*Merchandise infant.

(Alvey's sense of making mischief every bit the Mask begins to grow, as he develops the idea to mess with his begetter's caput by using his powers. He apace reveals his powers to Tim by jumping out of the playpen and doing Michigan J. Frog'south entire "Hello, My Baby" routine. NC just looks on with confusion and disgust. The routine also makes Tim shriek and fall off his chair)

NC: Okay, let me tell you lot in great item why this scene isn't funny. Yous encounter...

(Alvey then shakes his face and whoops at Tim before his head turns to Woody Woodpecker doing his signature laugh, then jumping in the air and making another drawing face up before running around the room on the wall. Each transition scares NC, the last one making him scream longer)

NC (vo): Okay, seriously! What is with the imagery in this movie?! It'due south fucking terrifying! I hateful, I forget; is this the sixth or seventh level of Hell? I haven't read Dante in a while, but I know this is in there! He couldn't have forgotten something equally horrifying as this!

(Cut to an earlier scene with Tim trying to get Alvey to speak)

Tim: Come on, say da-da.

Alvey: (in an obviously dubbed deep vocalism) Mother.

(That bit creeps NC out again and makes him shudder in disgust)

NC (vo): Oh, while nosotros're on the subject of scaring the shit out of people, you might exist wondering, why is the baby and so concerned about scaring his father to where his broad angle lens can't obnoxiously stretch any further? Well, it'southward because he wants him thrown in a mental infirmary! Why?!

(NC shrugs with great confusion. Every bit NC continues to speak, we are shown the ensuing sequences of Otis, who has been feeling neglected by Tim because of Alvey, donning the mask past accident. When Otis wears the mask, he becomes a devious version of himself who attempts to use his new powers to try and get rid of Alvey, simply all of his attempts are foiled by the much craftier infant)

NC (vo): I don't know! I take no freaking idea! It's explained about every bit well as why the dog wants to impale the baby! Oh, yep, did I forget to mention that? The canis familiaris gets the Mask, looks like an R. Nibble drawing of cancer, and tries to kill the baby! Now to its credit, they explain this a little flake by showing he wants to be the centre of attending over again, simply, yeah, this comes out of nowhere, too! No buildup at all! (A earlier shot of a normal Otis looking at Alvey is shown) Is the dog looking at the infant hither supposed to symbolize that he doesn't like him? Is that what you were trying to convey? How would we guess that? Everything else is shot so weird and over-the-acme that the only affair existence conveyed is the night terrors you're gonna have tonight!

NC: Yeah, for a movie that doesn't know the definition of the word "subtle," you don't really explain these two things very well!

NC (vo): The domestic dog wants to get rid of the infant. Why? 2 second image of a drawing...that actually looks more realistic than the furnishings you're throwing at us. Oh, and I'm not kidding. The effects when the domestic dog is trying to get rid of the baby and the baby and so cleverly outwits him is some of the worst animation you'll always run across. I hateful, worse than Baby Geniuses!

NC: I know I can't take that back, only I'm standing by my words! It looks worse than Infant Geniuses!

NC (vo): The Monty Python cartoons looked more three-dimensional! And Lord knows this could benefit from some British nudity. And once again, the images are creepy. They are so fucking creepy! It looks like every second it's on, the picture is trying to jump out and kill you! (A shot of Alvey is shown with the image of the dead baby crawling on the ceiling from Trainspotting) Expect at the babe's face. Information technology looks like something Gollum threw up and animated!

(As NC continues speaking, we are shown a scene of Otis attempting to get rid of Alvey past using a claw to drag him out of the firm, only for Alvey to once more foil this attempt by putting the hook on Otis'south ternion just as he turns on the winch continued to the hook, causing Otis himself to get dragged around the business firm)

NC (vo): Oh, and speaking of which, here's another fun image. Rather than have the eyes just stretch out similar normal cartoon optics exercise, permit's have them literally popular out of their skulls, leaving ii black vacant holes where the most expressive role of the face should be! (A ameliorate shot of Otis' eyeless face is shown) Hang this picture over your baby'due south crib tonight!

("Son of the Mask: A family unit pic!" explanation is shown along with Otis' eyeless face)

Announcer: A Family unit Picture!

NC: It'southward scary! It's actually scary! I mean, could this film throw any more horrendous imagery at us?

(Just to answer him, we become Loki dressed up similar a girl scout)

Loki: Would you like some Thin Chocolate?

(Seeing that bit causes NC to take the DVD out of the player and throw information technology in the trash before hiding in the cupboard. He peeks out and sees the DVD there whispering the words, "Jamie Kennedy" in an evil voice, making his mouth quiver as the words get louder. An explosion is shown on the DVD before NC lets out a wide and serenity scream and calls for assist)

NC: (on the telephone) Yeah, I'chiliad sad, I don't hateful to telephone call, but you're merely the only decent expert person I can think of to solve this and I...I think my DVD's possessed.

(The person he's calling is...Santa Christ. His theme plays in the background)

SC: Hoo-ho-ho. No, Critic. There are a lot of bad movies out there, I assure you. That doesn't necessarily mean it's possessed. Ho-ho.

NC: Merely information technology's chosen Son of the Mask, and I just don't--

(Suddenly, SC's theme stops)

SC: (gasps) Son of the Mask!

(He hangs up)

NC: How-do-you-do? Hello?! (Suddenly, an arm reaches out from the cupboard, scaring NC earlier turning to encounter it's SC)

SC: Is it undercover? Is it safe?

(The DVD is thrown in a lit fireplace)

NC: Santa Christ, what are you doing?

(SC shushes him earlier using tongs to pull the DVD out)

SC: Hold out your hand, Critic. It'southward quite absurd. (He drops it into NC's hands, which promptly fire them, making him throw the DVD on the floor) Nope, maybe not. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! (The DVD'southward at present on the dining room table) This is the One DVD, forged in the fires of Hell, and now set loose upon the world. (NC comes to the tabular array, both hands wrapped upwards as he carries a cold drinkable with his palms) One of two things must happen. Either y'all must return it to its master, or...you must finish watching it, all the way through.

(The DVD begins speaking evil words again)

NC: Why don't you have information technology?

SC: No.

NC: I actually want yous to have it.

SC: No.

NC: Please accept it.

(The ii of them begin arguing over each other)

SC: There is absolutely no fashion I'm touching it with a ten foot pole. What you're asking is impossible. I'm non listening anymore, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

NC: Just take it off my hands. It'd be wonderful if you could take it. I am giving it to you. Delight have it off my hands, I'one thousand sick of looking at it, information technology'south brought me so much misery, I mean, there's not many words that can--

(SC grabs NC by his tie and pulls him close)

SC: Don't tempt me, Critic! Understand, Critic, if yous gave me this DVD, through me, it would wield a power too not bad and terrible to imagine.

NC: Wow, because it's and so evil, information technology would totally swallow you?

SC: No, it would just be actually fun to use indiscriminately.

NC: You know, you've got a bit of a dark side.

SC: Critic, yous must terminate this DVD.

(NC turns away and sighs)

NC: I wish this piece of shit had never come up to me.

SC: Oh, then do all who live to see such times. But that is not for us to decide. You were meant to discover the DVD, and therefore you were meant to suffer. Meant to go through the sort of incredible psychological pain that no force on Earth could friction match. That is a very encouraging thought.

NC: (vanquish) No! That's not a very encouraging idea! In fact, that's about equally far away from an encouraging idea an encouraging idea could go.

SC: Well, that's all I got. Here, have Gremlins.

(He takes out the DVD for the movie Gremlins earlier getting upwardly to get out. NC'south left alone in the dining room)

NC: Thanks! Thanks a lot. Allow me know if you wanna quote more Lord of the Rings anytime. (puts the Gremlins case downwards) Why was he hither?

(Back to the movie. Tim's attempting to change Alvey'due south diapers)

NC (vo): So, Jamie tries something different for a modify: actually being a practiced father, by at the very least irresolute the child'south diaper.

(The "Blue Danube" plays every bit Alvey lets out ane long stream of pee that Tim tries to stop with the diaper. Now at that place's iii streams of pee, i filling a loving cup in Tim'south paw. NC tin only quietly ask "What?" while the baby giggles. Tim takes a glass with q-tips, dumping them out to try to stalk the tide of pee)

NC: (now with middle bags, that are kept on his face up throughout the rest of the review) Why are yous making me call up almost a baby with iii penises? What twisted pigshit does that?!

(The three streams of pee stop...only to now have one BIG gush of pee hit Tim. Cue "A FAMILY Picture!" over again. Eventually, Loki, after searching from domicile to home for the baby and leaving a trail of mayhem in his wake, finds Alvey and confronts Tim for the mask dorsum at an alley)

NC (vo): And then Loki finally finds the baby and tries to force them to tell him where the Mask is.

(Loki's face is Mask light-green as he conjures a fireball)

Loki: Set up to feel my true power!

NC (vo): In one case over again, y'all really gotta adore his fashion sense. Must be a homage to when KISS performed on St. Patrick's Twenty-four hour period.

(Loki tosses a grenade at them. Alvey stretches out his hands and turns them into a shield, blocking the explosion)

NC (vo): But information technology'due south okay, considering the baby likes his dad at present. Yep, right the fuck out of nowhere again with no goddamn explanation. And Odin possesses Jamie's body to tell Loki he'southward fed upward.

Odin: (speaking through Tim'southward body) You lot are hereby stripped of your immortal powers and forever banished to the country of mortals.

(Odin then zaps Loki with a lightning bolt, leaving him charred and hair sticking out on end. Alvey and then squishes Loki with two dumpster bins, knocking him out. That night, while Alvey and Tim finally begin to bond with each other, Loki sneaks in and summons Odin, convincing him to give his powers pack, and Odin gives them back for one hour, stating this is his final chance)

NC (vo): Then he's a mortal now, which doesn't add up because the baby does all this stuff and he...survives it...somehow. But what makes even less sense is Loki is stripped of his powers but so he tin convince Odin literally in two scenes later to requite them dorsum. Yeah, only 2 scenes later, it's like a couple minutes. Significant there was no bespeak to take the powers away, except to make the movie go even longer.

NC: Because, yep, that's what I need. This freaky every bit fuck movie to go even longer! Allow'south celebrate with more creepy-ass imagery!

(Loki turns next door neighbor Betty's head into a huge olfactory organ)

NC: Ew.

(Tonya is seen in the shadows, approaching Tim in Alvey'due south room)

Tim: Is that you?

("Tonya" is revealed to be Loki in disguise)

Loki: No, you lot idiot.

NC: Eew!

(Before in this scene, Tim looks at a sleeping Alvey, just "Alvey" is revealed to be Loki besides)

Loki: Approximate who?

(NC cowers in fear, covering his face)

NC (vo): God, information technology's bad enough we have the Schwarzenegger baby from Junior!

NC: Tin can y'all imagine showing those ii back to dorsum? (He immediately regrets that choice of words) DON'T SHOW THOSE Ii Dorsum TO Dorsum!!

(Ask accidentally and he still shall receive; we are shown two images of the Schwarzenegger babe and Loki taking Alvey's form)

Arnold Baby/Loki Baby: MAMA!!/Guess who?

(NC is clutching his breast in hurting every bit an alert blares. The words "HEART Assail! Tap A chop-chop to accept medication!" are flashing on top every bit NC smacks his desk-bound in pain earlier grabbing a bottle of pills, elimination them on the desk-bound and having to lean in to put them in his mouth before he tin start calming down, the alarm going off. He so motions the movie to proceed. Loki kidnaps Alvey in exchange for the mask, just equally Tonya arrives home)

NC (vo): Then Loki takes the kid, saying if he doesn't get the Mask back shortly, he's keeping him. This leads to a delightful moment where Jamie thinks his wife returned home as Loki and thus beats the loving bajeezus out of her.

(Tim is smacking Tonya's head on the floor and strangling her while she screams his name. "A Family Flick!". Eventually, Tim, Tonya, and Otis, with the mask in their hands, get in at an alley where Loki and Alvey are at, and were both playing with each other during the wait)

NC (vo): Then they observe the Mask and decide to do a trade, but wouldn't yous know it? In the less than 3 minutes of screen time, Loki decides he likes the child at present, and wants to keep him forever.

Loki: I tin can't let go, I've grown attached.

NC (vo): But the ever popular crotch shot... (Otis comes and bites Loki in the crotch. NC merely shrugs) ...gets the Mask out of his hands and dorsum onto Jamie.

(Every bit Tim becomes the Mask one time more than, Loki speeds off in his auto)

Tim/Mask: Dear, I call up it'south time we trade upward!

(The family car has been twisted to expect similar something from a deranged heed)

NC (vo): So they work their way into the Charlie Sheen mobile...

NC: Really, to be fair...that machine'due south fucking awesome.

NC (vo): ...and drive on over to the final showdown.

(Loki'due south standing in a band with battle gloves on and a robe)

Loki: And here he is, folks.

NC (vo; speaking through his teeth): Will you turn your broad angle lens down?! You've had it pushed to maximum since frame ane!

(Tim punches Loki across the band into a suitcase. As he tries to escape with Tonya, Otis, and Alvey, Loki, in the grade of a pencil, draws a wall)

Journalist: And Loki said "allow at that place be a brick wall." (Tim runs into it) And there was! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Tim'south rima oris is stretched broad in the shape of a brick, showing way likewise much of his teeth and gums)

NC: Now why didn't they make a toy out of that? Information technology's such a charming, delightful epitome I'm sure kids would flock to-- (That picture's shown) DON'T SHOW Information technology AGAIN!

NC (vo): And then they decide they're evenly matched and figure the best thing to do is permit the babe decide where he goes.

(Alvey is placed in the middle of the room as Tim and Loki attempt to make him choose who he wants to exist with)

Loki: Pick me, pick me.

Tim/Mask: Alvey, I'm your existent dad!

Loki: Come up on, you little devil. Let's play!

NC (vo; imitates Tonya): I'thousand simply the female parent, so clearly I accept no say in this.

Tim/Mask: Alvey.

(Alvey looks over to Loki, whose turned his head to look like something out of Beetlejuice! NC's turned away, shielding his eyes)

NC: If I don't look at information technology, it can't hurt me! If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me!

(Tim takes the Mask off, admitting to Alvey that when he was outset born, he didn't know how to handle a baby, simply Alvey managed to help him exercise and so, and declares his love for him)

Tim: I dear yous.

Alvey: Da-da.

Tim: Oh, Alvey.

NC (vo): So his CG mouth chooses his male parent. Again, the mother I gauge weighed no role in this determination. And we fifty-fifty get some family bonding with Loki and Odin.

(Odin has arrived to punish Loki for his failure to get the mask again, until Tim stops him)

Tim: I don't know how things piece of work in the god world, but you're his father. He's your son. And even if you banish him, he'south notwithstanding gonna be your son.

(Tim gives Loki the mask back, who, in turn, gives information technology to Odin, finally pleasing him, and he lets Loki come dorsum dwelling house with him)

Odin: Come up on, son. Allow'southward go home. Okay?

Loki: Okay.

Odin: Godspeed.

NC: Well, gee, if only Jamie Kennedy were there in The Avengers. I'chiliad sure things would've gone over much better with Loki if he was effectually.

(We are shown a shot of the Hulk as nosotros hear Tim's spoken language to Odin)

Tim: There is goose egg more important in this entire universe than your human relationship with your family unit. See, you might too go things right now--

(And then we are shown the moment of the Hulk chirapsia upwardly Loki similar a ragdoll, giving the impression that the Hulk is chirapsia upwardly Tim)

NC: Jamie Kennedy: Nordic god psychiatrist.

(Some fourth dimension later, Tim goes dorsum to work with an idea for a new cartoon, based on his own experiences of Alvey and Otis competing for his attention)

NC (vo): And so everything seems to be great now. Heck, Jamie even has a new idea for a TV evidence.

Moss: A babe and a dog competing for Dad's attention. I love it. Where did you get the idea?

Tim: The idea just came to me.

NC: Yeah, that does sound like a huge hit TV testify, doesn't it?

NC (vo): I did have this other impaired idea about Japanese kids collecting Pocket Monsters to defeat evil.

NC: But this...this is really aureate!

(The whole family is shown watching the premiere of the successful cartoon on TV. We get a zoom in on Alvey who gives a wink to the camera earlier the words "The End" pop upwards)

NC: Thank God the evil is over!

(Clips of the movie play as he gives his closing summary)

NC (vo): Y'all remember how Tarsem directed The Cell? A poorly made movie that dived into the mind of a serial killer? Well, Tarsem got it wrong. THIS is the poorly made movie that dives into the heed of a serial killer! It just forgot to mention the serial killer role! Not only is the motion-picture show horridly written, awkwardly acted, filled with lame as hell effects, and using manner also much goddamn wide angle lens, it is scary! Scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary!!

NC: I feel unclean! I hateful, I tin destroy this motion-picture show all I desire, only information technology volition never get rid of the images that information technology has planted in here! They volition haunt me forever! Nobody should ever have to meet the terrifying...terror that this movie produced! (Takes the DVD out) And they're not going to if I have anything to say near it! (Walks out to the living room, laughing at the DVD) From Hell'south heart, I...throw you the fuck out! Hahahaha! (Goes to throw information technology in the trash, but the DVD's not in his hand. Turning around, he sees it's back in the PlayStation iii! Clips of the movie announced on the Goggle box) Oh, my God! It's playing again! It's going over and over and over! Oh, my God! Can't somebody stop information technology? Can't somebody stop it?!

(Santa Christ comes dorsum in with a remote control)

SC: Stand back, Critic!

NC: Santa Christ!

SC: I'll handle this! (He walks over to the front end while NC hides behind him) You shall not play. (Explosions happen in forepart of the TV) I am a servant of the Sacred Oscar. Wielder of the Thumbs of Our Lord. CGI shall non avail y'all, Moving picture of Boredom! (More explosions occur) Go back to the cutting room! (More explosions and clips play out. SC clutches his staff) Yous! SHALL Not! PLAY!

(He slams his staff downwardly...only for nothing to happen. He hits the ground with information technology a few times, but no issue)

NC: How many times have y'all done this?

SC: Once. Including now. Here, have Game of Thrones.

(He hands NC a flavour box set of the prove. All of a sudden, flames erupt from the TV, making NC and SC scream and reel in horror before the flames are sucked dorsum in the DVD player. NC's even so frozen in fear while SC wonders what's up. The DVD comes out and information technology's picked up by Satan, who's with Evilina. NC's yet frozen in horror)

Satan: Ah, yup. Some other typical viewing.

SC: D-Boy!

Satan: Santa Christ. How'southward information technology going, my human being?

SC: Oh, swell at all. Yous?

Satan: Oh, corking. Just picking up a moving-picture show for my girl.

SC: Ho-ho-ho. Hullo, little Evilina.

Evilina: Hello!

SC: So, still trying to take over the world with that little Twitter invention of yours?

Satan: Hey, tell me information technology's not making people dumber. Tell me it'due south not making them easier to conquer.

SC: Well, everything seems to be in order here. Requite my best to the missus.

Satan: Why? I never do.

(The two laugh)

SC: What a character. Ho-ho-ho. (He smacks the Game of Thrones box gear up against NC) Hither yous become.

Satan: Heh-heh-heh. He'due south so blasphemous. Come on, honey.

(NC comes out of his shock and throws himself at the two)

NC: Oh, please! Please kill me! It's the merely sensible thing to do subsequently showing me those horrible, horrible images! Please! Death is the just salvation!

Satan: What do you recollect, kiddo? Should I kill him?

Evilina: Nah. I think it's crueler to leave him alive.

Satan: That'south my girl. You do your daddy proud.

Evilina: Anyway, they tried that earlier. Didn't go over very well.

(NC cries as he crawls back to his room)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I call up information technology...because it'll never become away! (Slinks down while nonetheless crying) Information technology'll never become away!

(Back in Hell, the monitor turns on as Satan addresses his legions)

Satan: Now, behold, my pitiful parasites. The true depths of darkness.

(He gets up and lets Evilina take his seat)

Evilina: ♪ My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. ♪ (The minions start laughing) My Piffling Pony!

(Suddenly, her confront turns into a horror of horrors, scaring what'due south left of the minions' souls. Satan looks on with fatherly pride)

Satan: That's my girl!

(Now we finally come to the credits)

Aqueduct Crawly Tagline: Tim: Say da-da.

Alvey (deep voice): Mother.

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Source: https://thatguywiththeglasses.fandom.com/wiki/Son_of_the_Mask

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